Last resort
by DSISandraPullman39
Summary: When put like that I really don't have a choice do I? If things stay the way they are I'm going to end up losing him from my life altogether because I can't carry on working alongside him and pretending I don't feel anything when I know I do.
1. Chapter 1

**Last resort 1/?**

**Disclaimer:-** Don't own them just borrowing!

**Episode:-** None

**Pairing:- **Sandra/Gerry

**Rating:- **M

**Achieve:- . /group/new_tricksff/**

**Summary:- **When put like that I really don't have a choice do I? If things stay the way they are I'm going to end up losing him from my life altogether because I can't carry on working alongside him and pretending I don't feel anything when I know I do.

**Author's Note:- **In answer to Beth's "Do I have a choice?" Challenge where we had to write something where at some point Sandra said "Do I have a choice?" I have this idea going for a little while but haven't got around to doing anything with it so I thought that challenge was as good a reason as any to get the first chapter out there!

"I know it's completely irrational and I know he could never feel the same what I need you to tell me is how I get over him and move on." You know there are times when I wonder why I pay this woman a small fortune every week. I've been coming to her for three years do deal with my issues with my father and now that I have reached a certain level of acceptance with that I need her to help with the biggest problem in my life right now. Gerry Standing and how I get over him. No wait that's not quite right to say "get over" him implies we had some sort of relationship that broke down and I need to forget about him and that's not it at all. See it's pretty complicated I've recently realised that I've fallen head over heels in love with him and that just won't do at all.

"Why do you feel it wouldn't work Sandra? Why do you feel you need to get over this man before you've even given a relationship between you a chance or from what you've told me even given him the opportunity to tell you he does or does not feel the same." Well duh! Haven't I just told her I already know it would never work because he could never feel the same? God see I should not be giving my hard earned cash to someone this clueless.

"I told you, I'm not his type and he isn't mine either I don't know why I've developed feelings for him that's what I'm asking you to find out for me and then tell me how to make them go away."

"How about you tell me first when you first realised you might have feelings of a romantic nature for your colleague and why when you did notice them developing you didn't take steps to make sure they didn't develop further." What the hell? I mean if I'd been able to stop them doesn't she think I would have?

"I don't think that will help Pamela I mean I don't need to start thinking about what I feel for him I just need to find a way to make it go away!" She's really not getting this at all maybe this was a mistake I mean I've been doing ok so far at just putting it aside when we're together I could carry on doing that right? I can ignore the fact that when he looks at me sometimes my pulse races, I can pretend I don't hear it when he's talking to Jack and Brian about his latest date or conquest, I can even pretend to myself that he's not the last thing I think about before I go to sleep and the first thing I think about when I wake up I mean I've been doing it for months, years even. The problem with that is that I can't do all those things anymore which is why I'm here in the first place. Argh this is such a mistake!

"Sandra trust me if you really want me to help you with what you consider to be inappropriate feelings for this man then you have to start at the beginning and tell me where it all started I mean when we first started these session I seem to remember that you were having problems warming to Mr Standing at all, I seem to remember you though he was everything you disliked in an old school police officer. What I want you to do is think back and tell me when that changed. Was it a gradual thing? Did you wake up one morning and were hit with the realisation you had developed romantic feelings for him completely out of the blue? Take me back to the beginning it's the only way we will be able to identify the trigger and possibly change your perception."

"And you really think that's the only way we're going to get through this?" I really want to just tell her to forget about it that I am over reacting but I know I can't if I don't do something about these feelings it's going to make it impossible to work together it's almost getting to that stage already!

"I think if you're serious about changing your outlook then yes it's the best way to deal with it. So start at the beginning if you're ready to."

"I'm still not convinced but **do I have a choice?"**

"Not if you really want to make a change Sandra no you don't. I'm not saying we'll get through this in one session but I am saying if you are open with me like you have been previously when dealing with the issues surrounding your father we may have a chance of getting there sooner rather than later."

When put like that I really don't have a choice do I? If things stay the way they are I'm going to end up losing him from my life altogether because I can't carry on working alongside him and pretending I don't feel anything when I know I do. Ok deep breath Sandra and just do as she asks, start at the beginning and lay it all out there warts and all. Even if she thinks I'm insane by the end of it and commits me at least it would solve the problem so here goes.


	2. Chapter 2

**** For authors notes, disclaimer etc. see chapter 1**

**Last Resort 2/?**

"What you have to understand is that when UCOS started I wasn't in a good place." I think that's probably the understatement of the century and I know that she news all this, we've been over it a dozen times but if she really wants to know how this whole thing started with Gerry then that's where I have to begin.

"And did you resent Gerry and the others? Did you see them as part of the problem or were you able to see that it wasn't their fault that you were in the situation you were in?" She already knows the answer to that but as I've just pointed out clearly we have to do this all again.

"Yeah of course I resented them, I resented everything about it. The way I saw it they were all just the manifestation of the fact is as being punished for something I really didn't think warranted the amount of grief I was getting."

"But Mr...Halford you see him as your mentor as the father figure you needed when you first joined the force, you brought him on board knowing that he would help you pick the best team for the unit surely you trusted his judgement about the others." I swear we go through this every time we get n to this subject! Why can't she see that it wouldn't have mattered if Jack had helped me bring Sherlock Holmes and bloody Miss Marple on board the fact that I was having to find them at all was the issue not who they were, at least not at first.

"To be honest I didn't care who they were I just wanted to set the unit up, prove I was better than what they were making me do and move on again when I'd done enough to be let out of the dog house." I'm ashamed to admit that it's true I just wanted it to be over when I first got landed with setting up UCOS I didn't care about cases no one else could solve I wanted to be out there catching the bad guys that I thought mattered. Looking back on it I was a complete bitch but that's something else I've learned to live with over the years.

"So you are in the situation you've got a team did you immediately find yourself attracted to Mr Standing?" Is she having a laugh? God that couldn't be further from the truth I couldn't abide him when we first started.

"No, seriously no. I thought he was everything I hate in a man and in a police officer. He was far too old school, didn't seem to be able to think further than the end of his chauvinistic narrow minded nose. Not to mention that he seemed to have zero respect for women, three failed marriages and a string of no hope relationships proved that. I couldn't wait to get away from him and I tried where possible to spend as little time in his company as possible." See what I mean I should like a complete bitch right? It's true though if I had sat down and made a list of everything I would hate in a man Gerry Standing would have ticked every box but...

"So you're thrown together with these three men, in a job you don't feel you deserve to have been given, with a career you now consider to be in jeopardy none of that seems like a recipe for romance what changed? Now she's asking the question I've been asking myself for the better part of the last couple of years. What made it different I mean I know what changed my opinion on them and the job in general but if I could pin point what it was that started this ridiculous crush I've got going on I could stop it without her help! "Tell me what happened to make you decide to still be with the unit a decade after you felt like it was only short term, that you would serve out your punishment and move on. You've told me before that you had offers, that you could have moved on to what people would consider more "important" or front line policing why haven't you taken them? You're clearly very good at your job and have the respect of your superiors so you can't tell me you had concerns about moving to a more conventional role which suggests to me that you stay now because you want to."

"I do stay because I want to and that's nothing to do with how I feel about Gerry it's just that I've realised that what we. Do is important. When people tell me that it's not "real" police work or have a go at us for supposedly showing up the original officer's in the cases we work I want to knock them into the middle of next week. Nothing is more important than giving family's closure and catching people who feel like they're smarter or better than the police because they've got away with something. That's why I stay."

"Is that the only reason?" I know what she's getting at here because again it's something we've talked about, I've told her before how with them I finally feel like I've found a family and I don't think I could or would want to leave that now.

"No, I stay because I love our team, I love the working relationship we all have and they are all important to me."

"But Gerry has become important in a different way?" Not to repeat myself but why the hell am I paying this woman to tell me what I already bloody know? "Now we're getting to the heart of the problem Sandra although I'm still not sure that I see why it's so much of an issue and our time is up for today. Before next week I want you to think about specific events, things that might have sparked these new feelings or heightened them and in the meantime if it's becoming a serious disuse for you in the working day maybe in the short term it wouldn't do any harm to resist putting yourself in positions were you are forced to work too closely with I'm alone."

"We're a team how the hell am I supposed to do that?" I can't believe what I'm hearing but she's just smiling at me like she knows the practicalities of not being alone together aren't the issue and she' right of course!

"Just give it a go for me between now and our next appointment and we'll see she we are then ok?" I'm on my feet and almost out the door before she even has a chance to check her diary and remind me that our next appointment is n four days, like I need reminding I've seen her Monday and Friday of every week for years now! Up until now I've never once thought those appointments were a waste of time, now though I'm beginning to think this might be the one tang she can't help me with and if that's the case I don' t know where the hell I go from here.


	3. Chapter 3

**** For authors notes, disclaimer etc. see chapter 1**

**Last Resort 3/?**

"Guv we've just had a call from vice, McDonald has previous for curb crawling and one of their snouts told them that the girls used to hate to see him coming in the end he switched to a different area because none of the local working girls would get in the car with him." Gerry's just walked into my office and there's only us here because Jack and Brian are out trying to track down Mc Donald's current address and this is not going to plan at all. Remember my overpriced know it all therapist said to try not to work too closely with him until I see her again on Friday? Well if I didn't know better I'd swear he had some sort of bloody sixth sense about it because he's been like a limpet all week.

"Why did they start avoiding him did the informant tell them why he was blackballed?" That's it Sandra keep it professional, don't focus on the fact and he's now leaning over the desk practically in your face. Oh god this isn't helping at all why the hell did she suggest I stay away from him? The more I try the more I think about him and the more I want to be close to him.

"Yeah apparently he was into some pretty odd stuff, wanted them to pretend to be dead and weird shit like that and he could get violent, roughed a couple of them up."

"Well that proves he has form for that sort of thing but we're not going to get any of the girls to talk the ones who have got off the game won't want to be reminded or have it made public through a trial that they ever were on it and the girls still working won't want to draw any attention to themselves." Oh god now he's come round to my side of the desk and is looking over my shoulder at the crime scene photos I can smell his aftershave and feel his breath on my neck and this is bad, really bad I need to get out of here. "I'm…I'm going to go…um…..go to the ladies can you see if you can track down Jack and Brian and see how they're getting on?"

"Yeah are you ok? You look a bit flushed and you're acting even weirder than normal. Is something…" I'm out the door of the outer office and can't hear the rest of his question but no it isn't bloody well alright and yes I know I'm acting weirder than normal but if he knew why he'd suggest I didn't need therapy I needed committed.

Now I'm standing in the ladies staring at myself in the mirror like some sort of idiot. See I told you deciding to talk to her about this was a bad idea didn't I? At least before I was coping with his proximity without falling apart every time there was less than a foot between us now I'm just making them all think I have finally completely lost my mind.

"Come on Sandra you can do this. All you have to do is get through the next couple of days then you can see what the frigging know it all shrink thought she was going to achieve from all this." Pep talks have never really worked for me and this one is no different but at least I've returned to my normal colour and don't look like someone who's blood pressure has just hit heart attack level.

"Sandra are you ok in there? You're worrying me you really didn't look well a minute ago." Shit now even the ladies isn't safe he's right outside the door.

"Yeah I'm fine did you get hold of the others?" Nice going Sandra that sounded normal I don't think!

"Yeah they want us to meet them at Mc Donald's place he's not in but they're waiting outside. Do you want to drive or do you want me to?" Oh great drive half way across London in rush hour confined in a car with him? No way!

"You go on ahead I want to see Strickland and let him know what's going on in case we need a warrant to search McDonald's place." Please Gerry just accept that and go I need…

"I'll wait there's no point in taking two cars." Argh!

"No Jack and Brain are waiting just let them know I'm on my way as soon as I can get five minutes with Strickland."

"That's what phones are for Sandra come on just hurry up and we'll go together I'm starting to get weird looks standing out here shouting through the door of the ladies bog." Why can't he just accept that I've told him what to do and bloody well do it?

"Gerry stop bloody arguing with me and just go will you I'm still the guvnor in this team and I've told you what to do." I can hear the list of muttered complaints and jibes but mood swings and never knowing where the hell he stands but I can't do it. I can't spend that amount of time in the car with him and you know what Friday is too long to wait I need to find out what the hell she hopes to achieve with this shit and find out now.

"Sandra sorry to keep you on hold I've got a cancellation this evening at 7 if that helps?" I've been on hold with the bloody therapist's office and while I have been my mobile has rung three times and every call has been him.

"Yeah that'll do because I don't know what you thought this was going to achieve but right now it's not helping me get over him and I think he's starting to think I'm a bloody nut case."

"We'll go over what's been happening this evening Sandra in the meantime just stick with it and if it's not working we'll come up with something later." God she's vague and she's gone before I even have a chance to point that out to her. If this keeps up I won't have to worry about seeing him every day because the three of them are going to go to Strickland and suggest I'm put on long term leave on the grounds of insanity and I'm starting to think they would be right to do so.


	4. Chapter 4

**** For authors notes, disclaimer etc. see chapter 1**

**Last Resort 4/?**

"Sandra come in, sorry to keep you waiting." She's sorry to keep me waiting? She needs to be sorry for a hell of a lot more than that! I just about made it here without getting a string of speeding tickets or killing myself by wrapping the car round a tree. Keeping me waiting for a quarter of an hour is only the beginning of what she needs to be sorry about. "Take a seat and tell me what's got you so worked up that you needed an emergency appointment."

"Gerry thinks I've lost my bloody mind and I'm starting to agree with him! What the hell was the whole trying to ignore him thing about?" She's giving me that tolerant "I'm really listening" face and it's really pissing me off tonight. "I've spent the last two days not even being able to do my job properly because I'm trying to avoid being alone with him and am hyper aware of his every bloody move and mine so are you going to tell me what this was supposed to achieve because other than risking my job and being committed by the MET shrink I can't see anything!"

"The point of the exercise was to see if you could spate yourself on a physical day to day basis from Gerry Sandra in the hope that would then give us some pointers in how to help you distance yourself emotionally." Please tell me I'm not the only one who hasn't got a fucking clue what she's talking about? I mean are you hearing this?

"How can I separate myself as you put it, we are a small team we work in each other's pockets it's not possible for us to avoid each other we're constantly in close proximity. I thought I made that clear when we first started talking about this."

"Yes but you're in charge of the office, the allocation of work and so on. Tell me what happened today. I realise you can't talk about your case but in as much detail as you can." Oh yeah that is going to help! Completely reliving the humiliation and insanity of my day is going to make me feel better!

"There's nothing to tell. We're working a case, Jack and Brian had gone to check on some details which meant Gerry and I were alone in the office. He came in and asked a perfectly reasonable question and I freaked out and locked myself in the bloody ladies! Then we needed to go join the other and again he very reasonably pointed out that one care would make more sense and I screamed at him! I swear I wouldn't blame him for thinking I have turned into a complete basket case!"

"I see." Oh! My! God! That's it I'm leaving I was doing better at this on my own it's time I went back to that instead of spending a third of my salary on this rubbish.

"That's all you can say? I think I should go this clearly is a complete waste of time." Impassive. She's always been good at that but tonight she's taking it to new heights!

"No but before I say anything else I want you to think for a second about what you've just told me and see if you can pick out the glaring inconsistency in what you're telling me you want and the reality of that you are doing." She's staring at me like I should immediately come up with an answer to her stupid statement.

"I still don't know what you're talking about."

"Well this morning when you arrived at the office and were starting the day you were all together and it was up to you to decide how the rest of the working day was going to go correct?" I see where she's going with this now but she doesn't understand the dynamic of our team. Yeah I'm the boss but provided the work isn't suffering and they aren't taking the piss I let them decide themselves who should be doing what. I don't argue with them I've learned it doesn't achieve anything.

"Yeah but Jack and Brian had to go check out the address I…."

"Why did they "have" to Sandra? Surely if you decided one of them should stay behind and you go or Gerry then that's what would have happened."

"Well in theory yeah but….."

"You were in a situation where your "homework" for want of a better word was to ensure that you didn't find yourself in a situation exactly like the one you found yourself in this morning yet you still chose be left at the office with Gerry. The fact that you didn't stop it when you could do suggests to me that you really are finding it hard to deal with the idea of not having him close on a day to day basis which means I find it hard to believe that you actually want to get over him either. If you aren't honest with yourself and me then you won't make any progress and you'll end up having so many of these sessions you'll be funding my retirement to the Costa del Sol." Can you believe she just said that? I really am going to go this time. How dare she suggest that I'm not trying? If she'd been in my office earlier she'd have seen how hard I am bloody trying.

"I don't know what you mean I am being honest I may be the boss but we don't work like that most of the time which is why it's so bad that I lost it with Gerry earlier and "pulled rank" he knows something's going on I don't really do that unless they are completely going off the rails." God I sound so defeated but that's exactly how I feel right now. Now that I'm away from the office and can think clearly I'm starting to realise that maybe I could have done things a little differently but I can't think logically when he's around. Now she's making notes and not saying anything and I feel like I've failed some sort of test. She's right at this rate I'll be single handedly buying her a Spanish villa because I can't seem to take one step forward with this whole situation without taking two back!


	5. Chapter 5

**** For authors notes, disclaimer etc. see chapter 1**

***** This chapter also covers Beth's "Sleeping in a strange place" challenge in which a character had to sleep in an unusual place in a chapter of an existing fic.**

**Last Resort 5/?**

"Sandra you have to be sure that this is what you want or it's never going to work. We went through this many years ago when we first started talking about the revelations you were discovering about your father remember?" Like I could forget. When everything fell apart for me a few years ago and I discovered my father wasn't the saint I thought he was it took hours and hours of sitting in this same chair talking to her about the same thing before we ever made any progress. "Until you were prepared to accept that everything you were hearing about your father was right and admit to me that you had always known it was you just couldn't bring yourself to betray his memory by accepting it we got nowhere. We're in a very similar situation here."

"I don't see how we are, I mean that was huge I was in denial I'm clearly not in denial here I accept that I have an issue and I want you to help me get past it. How can that be similar?" God I hate it when she gives those little smug smiles it really irritates me. By now you're probably wondering why I keep coming to this god awful woman, well join the club I wonder myself at least once in every visit!

"I'm going to put something out there and see what you think. See I don't think you actually want to get over Gerry. I think you want to believe that you do, I think you have probably even convinced yourself that you do but I think we could sit here a couple of hours a week for the rest of your life and I don't think we'd make any progress."

"That's rubbish I'm not an idiot I know how I feel and I know I need to stop feeling that way I thought that was your job to help me deal with my feelings. This is clearly a complete waste of time." I'm out of my chair and on my way to the door and she's making no effort to stop me. To be fair we've been here before, I've stormed out of more of these sessions over the years than I care to remember but this time I'm done I won't be coming back.

It's nearly two hours since I left the therapists office and I've not been home. I drove back to the office determined to do some paper work and take my mind off the whole bloody mess but it didn't work. Then I tried going to my favourite curry house for something to eat, normally I love it there I don't even mind going on my own the atmosphere is so good but all I ended up doing was pushing my curry around the plate unable to eat it. I can't get what she said out of my head. Is it true that I prefer being unhappy loving him from afar than I would be falling out of love with him again? Now at after 11pm I've ended up parked across the street from his house trying to persuade myself to go in and talk to him. It's not like it's unusual for us to end up on each other's door steps at odd hours of the night. Actually it used to be a regular occurrence but lately I've deliberately been avoiding those encounters. They don't help. I know to him they are just about two friends spending time together having a drink and putting the world to rights but to me they've been so much more. To me they've been bricks in building the love that I have convinced myself can't happen, would never happen and would never work even if it did. I know I can't go in but I can't drive away either now I'm sitting with my head resting back on the car seat with my eyes closed trying hard to think of anything other than him.

"Sandra? Sandra wake up!" Huh? Oh god my neck hurts and what does he mean wake up it's….oh shit I must have fallen asleep in the car outside his house and when he came out to go to the office he's seen me and now what the hell am I supposed to say. "What are you doing out here have you been here all night?"

"I…..no…I…..Look I better go get read see you at the office." Shit I nearly took his arm off with the door as I pulled away but I've got to get out of here, I've got to get home and try to think of a good excuse for why he opened his door this morning to find me sleeping in the car in the middle of his street!

I've finally made it to my own house though I'm amazed I made it without killing myself or someone else and the hot water of the shower I'm now standing in is washing away some of the complete insanity that I've been feeling since I left the therapists but it isn't solving the biggest problem right now.

In the last 24 hours I've acted like a basket case around him, yelled at him. Left work without so much as a "see you in the morning", shouted at my therapist and stormed out of there too and eventually fallen asleep in the car outside his house because I was too scared to go knock the door. Remember when I said I was sick of taking two steps forward and one step back? Well I think it's safe to say those days are long gone now I'm not taking any steps forward and I've run back at least a mile from where I was when this all started. Now what the hell am I supposed to do?


	6. Chapter 6

**** For authors notes, disclaimer etc. see chapter 1**

**Last Resort 6/?**

I was absolutely convinced when I got out of the shower that a coffee would sort me out, that after that I'd be ok and able to get dressed and go into work like nothing had happened. I'd even worked out that I would laugh off the fact I fell asleep outside his house by saying that I was going to call in then thought he was with someone and when I went to move the car wouldn't start so I decided to it and see if whoever this imaginary person he was with left then go ask him for help. Yes I know he would say I was mad what made me think there was someone there or point out that I had a mobile I could have rung him or someone else but I figured with something resembling an explanation given I could just pull my I'm the boss and we're here to work bit as even if he wanted to push it he wouldn't be able to. That all seemed very sensible when I got out of the shower and was even working for me while I got dressed and dried my hair, it was still the plan to go with right until I poured the coffee and my phone rang and just the sight of his name on the screen brought me out in a cold sweat. The upshot of all that is that I've called in sick, I never call in sick but I just need a day to get my head together so I called Jack and told him I'm not feeling great and to carry on with the case they were working and I'd be in tomorrow. After that call I rang my therapist's office only to be informed that she's out of the office for the next two days on a course well I hope to hell it's a course that will mean she comes back here with some good ideas about this because this is getting to the stage where if I don't do something I'm going to end up in a padded cell somewhere!

I don't know how people watch day time television all the time I've been lying on the sofa watching it for all of half an hour and I'm ready to throw the set out the window but at least I've come across something that might make my therapist redundant. Jeremy Kyle seems to deal with all sorts of issues, right now two people are fighting over which of them is the father of a child the mother of which looks like she's spent the night before with a needle in her arm and hasn't are for a month! By comparison to this my problems seem quite tame. The mindless nature of the TV has got me thinking though and maybe I've spent too many years seeing a therapist and I'm starting to think like one because I'm staring at the note pad beside the sofa that I keep for making notes if I get a call at home about a case and thinking maybe I should make a list of pros and cons, you know all the reasons that I know it would never work if I told Gerry how I felt and all the reasons that I've fallen for him then when she gets back from her course I can take it with me to my next appointment and show her that I am serious about getting over him and all the reasons why it wouldn't work.

I'm going to start with the cons because that'll be the longest list I mean I could sit here all day listing reasons why he could never love me and it could never work. I mean to start with I am so not his type Gerry goes for glamour and youth. He may be over 60 himself but he only goes for the under 40's, young girls with legs that go on forever, tits that could put someone's eye out and an IQ in single figures. He's all about how beautiful they are and how perfect their bodies are and I don't fit into either of those categories. Add to that the fact that I know for a fact he doesn't have feelings of any kind for me, yeah we're friends now at least which is more than we were at the beginning but that's as far as it goes he could never love me and I can't risk losing what relationship I do have with him when I know that he would laugh at the idea that I might want him.

This is where the problem comes though because I'm staring at the "cons" list and it's not as long as I thought it was going to be and all I can think about is things that should go on the pro list. Top of that lit s that I know I am head over heels, out of my mind, in love with him. When I think about him my palms get sweaty, my heart pounds, my stomach flips. When I imagine him kissing me, touching me, making love to me I feel like there is nothing on earth that I wouldn't sacrifice to make that happen. When he smiles at me for any reason it's like the rest of the world has disappeared and all I can focus on his him. God this is pointless and the note book is now flying through the air in the direction of the television since neither of them have helped at all this morning. Maybe she's right maybe I'm being…shit who the hell is that. Now there's someone at the door and I'm not even going to answer it, I'm not supposed to be here so it can't be anyone important I'll just stay here on the sofa and …..oh for the love of god they aren't giving up I swear I may not be responsible for my action as I approach the door I'm getting more and more irritated. Whoever it is they better have a damn good reason for being here and….

"Well are you going o ask me to come in or am I just going to stand here while you stare at me?" Oh my god it's him, what the hell is he doing here? I'm staring at him now and he's looking at me like I've lost my mind. Shit this is not good, it's not good at all.


	7. Chapter 7

**** For authors notes, disclaimer etc. see chapter 1**

**Last Resort 7/?**

"I was worried about you and I'm not going until you tell me what's going on so are you going to just spit it out or are we going to play a game of guess the crisis first?" I've had no option but to let him in and now he's standing in the middle of my sitting room staring at me with what I'm pretty sure is a cross between extreme irritation and all out confusion in his eyes. Oh got just when I thought the whole situation couldn't possibly get any worse.

"There's nothing wrong why do you assume just because I take an unscheduled day off there has to be a crisis to fix and while we're on the subject you're supposed to be working and last time I checked you aren't going to find the solution to the Philips case here in my sitting room." Oh great now I sound grumpy and defensive, way to convince him everything is ok Sandra now he really does know something's up.

"Jack and Brain are working on the Philips case it's fine and I'm still not moving so you can faff about all you want and be as grumpy as you want but it's not going to make any difference I'm not going anywhere."

"I just needed a day to myself god is that too much to ask? Sometimes I like to just spend the day veging on the sofa in front of the TV now worrying about what you lot are doing and whether it's going to be so far from "by the book" that it's going to come back and bite is in our asses." I know I'm heading toward starting a fight but at least if we have a row and he storms off it will have got rid of him I just can't cope with this right now. "I mean I've spent the last week putting out fires with Strickland that have been started because you three refuse to accept you can't just go around doing what you want. Now will you just leave me alone for one bloody day."

"No." What the hell? "I know what you're trying to do Sandra and I'm not going to fight with you. Now are you going to stop playing silly games and make us a coffee so we can actually talk about why I opened my front door this morning to find you asleep in your car on my doorstep?"

"I said it was nothing." Shit so much for getting him to storm out! See how he can see right though me? I could scream right now! Oh well back to plan A. "Ok look I was fed up last night I wanted a chat but when I got to your place it looked like you had company so I decided to wait until they left then when they didn't and I went to start the car it was dead I didn't want to disturb you so I decided to wait until you were on your own again and I must have fallen asleep."

"What? You couldn't use your phone to call me or someone else?" Phew he seems to be buying it.

"Battery was dead."

"Bullshit." Or maybe now! Damn, damn, damn. "Sandra that is the biggest load of crap I've heard since that teenager who shot his mate with a sawn off tried to tell us he thought it was a kids toy. Now are we going to stop playing games?"

"Why can't you just accept that I don't want to talk about it and leave me alone?" I'm completely defeated now, it's dripping from my tone and he knows it as well as I do but I know I can't tell him the truth god I need to think I need away from him even if it's only for a few minutes.

"Because I care about you and I know there's something going on that you're hiding something and have been for the last couple of weeks. That sleeping in the car incident is only the latest in a long line of things you've been doing that make it really obvious something's going on so why won't you just talk to me? Nothing is too big that I can't help or won't help." Oh god now I'm really in trouble when he's like this, when he's considerate and tells me how much he cares about me , these are the moments I really have to fight to not just tell him exactly how I feel.

"I'll go get that coffee." I can hear his frustrated groan but I'm already out of the room and into the kitchen.

My chest feels tight, my palms are sweaty and every cell in my body wants to start running now and now stop. This is all my worst nightmares in one awful heart breaking cringe making world shattering potential disaster. I can't tell him the real reason I've been acting so strangely and yet I don't think any other explanation will satisfy him. When I lie he sees right through me if I tell him the truth it's all over. Once he knows I know he's a gentleman and he won't laugh in my face or tell me I'm mad but he'll thinkin it and that will be worse. He'll let me down easily then we'll never be able to work together again and it'll be the end of UCOS and my life and it will all be my own fault and…..

"Sandra what's this?" shit he's just given me a bloody heart attack! Where does he get off scaring me like that and then….oh god no!

"Gerry it's nothing, it's private, why were you rooting around in my living room?" He has my list, the pros and cons one and he's holding it up now for me to see. Jesus when I thought it couldn't get worse I was bloody wrong this is as bad as it gets!

"It was on the coffee table in front of me Sandra I wasn't rooting around are you going to explain it?" Now I feel like the world has collapsed on my head and I know the moment has come there's no explaining this away and I'll just have to tell him and live with the consequences however terrible they turn out to be.


	8. Chapter 8

**** For authors notes, disclaimer etc. see chapter 1**

**Last Resort 8/?**

"Sandra don't just stand there looking at me why have you been making pro and con lists about me? What's going on?" Oh god I can't speak I can't breathe even and he's staring at me like he thinks I've lost my mind and I think he's right. This is my worst nightmare, actually maybe it is a nightmare, maybe I fell asleep on the sofa and only dreamed that he's turned up here and everything has gone to hell! "Sandra! You're scaring me now you look like you're about to pass out sit down for god sake I'll get you a drink."

"Thanks, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry it wasn't meant to be like this, it wasn't meant to happen at all I'd decided. I'm sorry I…" He's handed me a large scotch from the bottle on the counter by the fridge and poured himself one I have a feeling he should have brought the bottle over because my delusion that this might all be a terrible dream is over the minute the heat of the scotch hits the back of my throat.

"What are you apologising for Sandra you haven't told me what's going on? Am I getting fired? Do you have to get rid of someone and my list has come out with more cons than pros?" Oh god I've just realised he hasn't looked at the list properly but just as I go to grab it off him he's staring at it again and now I know I'm completely screwed it's time to fess up Sandra and when he tells you that you're s fucking nutter and should not just see a therapist but arrange for them to commit you you'll just have to put up with it.

"No it's nothing to do with work look you're going to think I've lost my mind but just remember that I don't think this could ever be a goer which is why I've done what I have. I just wanted it to go away so that I could get on with things, so we could get on with things the way we used to before I started being an idiot and I know how you feel so I'm not expecting you to do the whole letting me down thing and if you feel like you can't work with me when you know I'll work something out you won't have to leave I will I'll ask for a transfer or something and ….."

"Sandra! Shut up and take a breath you're not making any sense! Start at the beginning and stop talking in riddles." His voice has taken on that soothing sweet edge that he does when he's really worried about me which is one of the reasons I feel in love with him in the first place and it's making this so much harder. I feel like I'm going to cry and I can't do that, not now I need to just tell him what's been going on and get it over with then when he's left I can cry all I need to while I work out where my life goes from here.

"I'm in love with you, I've been in love with you for so long now that it's getting to the stage where it's all I can think about. I went to my therapist the one I've been seeing to deal with my issues about my dad and told her that she needed to help me get over you so that I could stop being in love with you and actually get back to doing my job but it's been a disaster." He's staring at me open mouthed now and the silence is heart stopping I've got to keep talking even if it's only so there's noise in the room. "First she told me to try to ensure that we weren't alone together and that I wasn't in a situation that meant I could indulge in how strong my feelings where for you but that all went to hell because I just came across as a basket case then I was yelling at you for no reason and making things even more awkward. Then she told me that I was deluding myself that I wanted her to fix something or make something go away that I really didn't want to stop feeling but she's wrong, she's so wrong I don't want to be in love with someone who could never love me. I don't want to not be able to stand beside you in the office without thinking about how your aftershave smells or how it would feel if you kissed me instead of focusing on the case. I know it's going nowhere and whatever she says I don't want the rest of my life to be spent loving someone who will never and can never love me back. I was trying to decide if I should just tell you or not that's what the list was but as you can see I had no intention of telling you I know how ridiculous this all is. There now you know can you just go now and leave me to my humiliation?"

He's not moving, he's not even looking like he's going to move he's just staring at me and I really want to run away but where the hell would I go we're sitting in my kitchen, this is all playing out in the one place I would normally run to so I'm trapped with nowhere to go and if he doesn't say something soon I think those tears I've been fighting back are going to come with a vengeance.

"So let me see if I've got this straight, you're so put off by the idea of loving me that you went to a therapist to get over it? Is it such a terrible thing? I mean am I so horrible that you'd rather talk to a stranger, a mental health professional, than just tell me how you were feeling and see if I maybe felt the same?" What am I supposed to say to that? He's staring at me like I should have a comeback and I don't, I can't think of a reply to that but this isn't going at all the way I was expecting it to I was sure he'd have run a mile by now and yet he's still here and I can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing!


	9. Chapter 9

**** For authors notes, disclaimer etc. see chapter 1**

**Last Resort 9/?**

"Gerry look I know how insane it all is, I've already admitted that haven't I?" Repetition the last refuge of the desperate I know but I can't even start to tell you what turmoil my brain is in right now. Since he threw out his list of questions we've been staring at each other in stunned silence and it's started to get uncomfortable, Yes I know it was already uncomfortable as a matter of fact being hung, drawn and quartered with a blunt razor blade would be more comfortable right now but this staring match is sending it off the scale.

"Yeah you have but you still haven't answered my question, why the hell is it such a terrible thing to love me? Why is it grounds for seeking psychiatric help? Jesus I know there've been times since we met that you had a pretty low fucking opinion of me but this takes the biscuit this does. You are bloody impossible, my god I can't believe I'm hearing this." Ok initially I was prepared to take the fact he seemed a bit pissed off as a given. I mean he had just been landed with all this out of the blue but now I'm starting to get angry. I mean I've told him I know it's mad, I've given him the out that I am well aware that he doesn't love me and I've asked him to leave me alone to my humiliation and yet instead he's makin it 1000 worse by insulting me!

"Look you're the one who showed up here uninvited, got in my face about what was what was wrong and are now giving me a hard time because you, and do remember it was you, insisted that I tell you about my list. Just leave Gerry because I feel bad enough as it is so can you bugger the hell off and let me drink myself into a coma while trying to work out how I can ever come back to work again because you're starting to seriously piss me off." I'm pacing now and shouting and crying damn I hate crying it's such a sign of weakness, especially in front of him! Why can't he just put us both out of our misery and leave.

"Sandra will you stop it! Stop pacing, stop avoiding, stop shouting and please stop getting upset. All I want is to know is why you hate the fact that you've fallen in love with me so much that you couldn't just talk to me about it. Why did you just suggest that we go for a drink then tell me your feelings had changed?" Well duh! Why does he think? I mean look at us it's almost midnight, for twenty minutes he's known how I feel and it hasn't exactly been the stuff of romantic movies has it? We've yelled and argued and I'm crying and he's refusing to leave. More Greek tragedy than Jane Austen wouldn't you say?

"Why would I do that Gerry? Why would I put us both through that? I know you don't love me I know I could be less your type if I tried I…."

"What exactly do you think is my "type" Sandra?" Sorry is it just me or is he the master of the stupid question tonight? Everyone knows what his type is. There are blind, deaf and mute hermits in the Himalayas who could tell you Gerry Standing's type.

"I've known you for almost a decade Gerry. Young, pretty, empty headed, compliant, great body, do I need to go on here because the list of things that make them your type is the same list of reasons that I will never match up. I don't need to be reminded while you're standing there right in front of me." I feel about 3 feet tall now and he's laughing, he's bloody well laughing!

"You think I'm that shallow? That all I want is something with perfect tits, a tight arse and an IQ in single figures? Jesus Sandra you have no idea." Hold on a minute when did this become about his feelings and how hurt he is? I've had enough I can't stand here in my kitchen while he tortures me further. I've got to get away.

"If you won't leave then I will, shut the door behind you on the way out I can't stand here in my own home and be humiliated any longer." I've stormed out of the kitchen and I can hear him following me. Why the hell can I not find my keys I swear I need them permanently attached to me by a bit of elastic. I'm really crying now and he's behind me I can't let him see me like this again, it's all too terrible.

"Sandra stop please." Oh god he really needs to let go of me right now his hands are on my hips turning me so I'm forced to look at him. All I want to do right now is bury myself in his arms and have him make the turmoil that's going on in my mind right now go away but I can't it would only make things worse.

"This isn't helping Gerry please I'm begging you just go so…"

"No." Oh god I don't know what's happening, suddenly the room is spinning and he's holding me so tight that I can feel his heart beating as he looks into my eyes. He's going to kiss me, I can feel it, I can see it in his eyes, is this really happening? Did I pass out from embarrassment and this is all a dream? No….oh god he is kissing me and it feels fantastic, I don't know what it means or if it will ever happen again but I'm planning on enjoying it because it beats how the night has been going so far and god knows what's going to happen when he stops.


End file.
